MOSCOW, Jan. 6, 2004 – Remember how beautiful and serene everything was after the earth got put back into orbit a couple of nights ago?
It’s wobbling dangerously again.
Yegor and I were sitting in the kitchen, when the subject of Shurik came up. “You know he stole from you,” Yegor announced.
“No, I didn’t know that. When?” I asked in surprise.
“Before we went to Prague. Remember, he told you the tour agent wanted for insurance so that if one of us didn’t get his visa, we’d all get our money back?”
I sort of remember.
Well, Yegor had called the tour agent and there was no such insurance, and when he had confronted Shurik, Shurik had admitted it
“Why didn’t you tell me this before?”
“Shurik said if I told you, I’d be sorry. And don’t tell him that I told you.”
Yegor was so matter-of-fact and emotionless about it, that I decided it was by now something out of the past, and I’d give Shurik the benefit of the doubt and wait and see what happens next.
So I told Yegor goodnight and hopped in bed with Shurik for prolonged, contented sex. We told each other again how much we loved each other.”
When I left him, feeling all warm and fuzzy, and went in to go to bed, Yegor was already on his mattress on the floor. I leaned over and kissed him goodnight
“What did you tell Shurik?”
“Nothing. You said not to tell him that you had told me.”
Then Yegor announced grimly that when he went to Tver today to get his teeth worked on, he would “stay away for a few days. I need some time to think.”
“Yegor, what’s the matter? Why are you going to go away for a few days.?”
“You’re an American; you don’t have to worry about it. He won’t hurt you. You can just walk around and not worry about it.”
“What in the hell are you talking about?”
“Shurik’s warning.”
“What warning?”
“You don’t know that when he said, ‘you’ll be sorry,’ that was a warning that he would physically harm me if I told you?”
“No, I don’t.”
“This is Russia!” he declared. “I’m scared.”
So that was it! He was literally afraid for his health and safety, and I’m not only harboring, but making mad passionate love to and supporting the guy he’s afraid of!
Like many other kind, compassionate, generous people, Igor is pretty neurotic. I remember giving a report in my college speech class on a book called Be Glad You’re Neurotic, and one of the reasons you should be glad you’re neurotic is because you’re thoughtful of others, compassionate, and considerate.
Neurotics are by-and-large pretty nice people. My mother was neurotic. I’m probably neurotic – certainly I used to be. But sometimes I think Yegor’s also passive aggressive. He won’t tell you what he thinks about what you ought to do, but when you make what he thinks is the wrong decision, he withdraws and gets moody, and it’s all your fault.
I have begged him time and again: “Please be completely open and honest with me. Tell me what you’re thinking and what you’re feeling.” Instead, he keeps his feelings to himself and broods. If he thinks I’m making a mistake, perhaps he doesn’t want to hurt me by telling me, so he lets it swell up inside:
So he let explode all his pent-up anger and fear. I’ve been begging him to tell me what he thought about Shurik. He hadn’t told me a frigging thing, hadn’t given me a frigging hint except those few words the morning we left Prague. And that was only a hint. Only now does it come out.
He tells me that after I wrote Shurik a note the other day saying, “moi liubimitz,” which means “my favorite,” Shurik had complained to Yegor that “If I’m his favorite, why is he giving you ,000 for your university and me only ,000?”
I hadn’t even known I was saying “my favorite.” I had meant to write “my darling,” “moi liubimiy.” But instead of coming to me and demanding, “why did you call Shurik your favorite when you’re always telling me that I’m the first person in your life,” he just figured I was lying to him and stacked that up as evidence. He’s so god-damned ’50s sometimes.
We moved our summit to the kitchen.
Yegor told me that when Shurik used the “b” word against Anton, referring to his “black ass,” that was just the last straw.
What were some of the others, I asked.
Well, the money was one.
But what were the others? And if he had so many things against Shurik, why the hell didn’t he tell me? Since Prague I’ve been begging for a reason to toss his butt out of here, but one of the reasons I didn’t was because I thought Yegor liked Shurik and still approved of him.
“I want to be a part of your life, but I don’t want to be a part of this mad-house,” Yegor said finally.
“What can we do to make it less of a mad-house?” I asked..
“I don’t understand.”.
I repeated it three times. “So what can we do that will make it not so much of a mad-house?”
“We can help each other,” he said finally.
“We already help each other.”
“Help in Russian doesn’t just mean money; it means other things.”
“We already help each other with other things. What else?”
He just sat and looked at me expressionless.
“What else could we do?” I repeated, beginning to get impatient.
He sat and said nothing.
“Yegor, I don’t understand you. I’m asking you to tell me what we could do to make this not a mad house any longer.” I paused, getting more exasperated. “Would making Shurik leave make it less of a mad house?”
“Yes.”
“Then why the fuck didn’t you say so? I’m sitting here begging you to tell me what you think we should do to make this a better place to live; and you just finished complaining for half an hour about Shurik, and yet when I ask you what we can do to make this less of a mad house, you don’t even mention Shurik!
“I mentioned him,” he said defensively.
“No you didn’t. I had to ask you about him. Why didn’t you mention him?
I never got an answer. I still don’t know why.
To say the least, it was an extremely frustrating and exasperating experience.
But it’s clear he was truly frightened.
I sat all 6 ft. and 135 lb. of him on my lap and hugged and kissed him and told him we’d solve the problem; I wouldn’t let anything happen to him. But after Shurik and I just finished professing once again our undying love to each other, I can’t simply waltz in and throw him out the window – especially since Yegor doesn’t want him to know that he told me about the stolen money. Now I’ll have to wait until he screws up again and use that as an excuse to kick him out.
It would have been so much easier if I’d known this a month ago. Jesus!
“Please don’t go away tomorrow,” I said. “I need you.” And I do. I’ve told him I-don’t-know-how-many times that he’s my life partner. Other people can come if they fit into our lives; but it’s our lives that are important. Apparently he hasn’t believed that.
Throughout this time he’s been encouraging my relationship with Shurik, insisting, in his classically neurotic fashion, that “I want you to be happy.” “I want you to be happy,” I’ve countered. And you have to be open and honest with me always about your feelings.
Will he be after this? I doubt it. I could have pulled out of him his feelings about Shrik if I’d tried hard enough, so it’s partially my fault (now who’s being neurotic?). I just didn’t believe he could be so fucking passive.
So now I have to bide my time until I can get rid of Shurik.
We’re waiting for strike three.
In the meantime, sex between Shurik and me has never been more exhilarating. He’s become so affectionate and loving. He kisses me warmly when I come home and when I leave. And last night he was reading when I went into his room. He smiled and put his book down. I turned out the light, crawled into bed beside him, and turned him to me. He helped me throw off his shorts, and we caressed and held each other and kissed deeply, all the time his stiff cock erecting into my stomach. We both came, and I continued to kiss and suck the head of his dick while he caressed my back and shoulders.
It don’t get no better ‘n’is.
Two nights ago he invited me to come with him in May to his hometown, “Mineral Water” (so help me, that’s its real name) near something-or-other-vodsk. He was very excited about introducing me to his friends.
It’s either love or the most crafty manipulation I’ve ever seen. He seems so sincere that it’s tempting to think that Yegor is the one doing the manipulating, but Yegor is utterly artless and so honest and straightforward it hurts. He’s incapable of manipulation.
No doubt the issue will resolve itself. If Shurik is putting on an act, he’ll stumble somewhere along the line. No one can continue pretending forever.
But what if there is no strike three? What if our relationship just continues to grow more loving and supportive? What if this romance between a 19-year-old and a 70-year-old just keeps getting better and better?
Wouldn’t that be hell?
Yegor told me yesterday that a new bill has been signed into law giving him the specific right to become a Russian citizen, but he has to have 0 in a bank account “as soon as possible.” He just needs to prove he’s got it, and we can spend it after due note is made of it by the bureaucracy.
But it’s important to do it quickly, because if he gets his citizenship in time, his tuition will be a lot less.
So in addition to 0 rent on the 17th, 0 for Vanya’s tuition before the middle of February, and another 0 for Vanya’s February living expenses – plus our own normal living expenses -- I also have to scare up 0 ASAP to stash away in a bank account.
It’s going to be a bit of a push.
