MOSCOW, January 25, 2005 – My life is a cauldron right now.
Everything was looking so good:
The school in Stavropol would pay me 0 a month; Andrei would move down in June, and Sergei and I the following June; or maybe even as early as August; we would ask Anton and Yegor to move out or we would move to a new apartment; Language Link and I amicably parted company and my private schedule was filling up.
Today Sergei isn’t speaking to me; Yegor and Anton will remain for the foreseeable future; Andrei is mouthing nice words, but I’m not feeling them; the toilet isn’t flushing and the bathtub isn’t draining; my computer has a bunch of viruses and everything has to be re-installed.
A couple of bright spots: Because Anton and Yegor are still here, my conscience is still intact; Sasha is dearer and more loyal than ever; the spark between me and Basil has rekindled and is aflame at the moment; and there’s a gorgeous new student named Dima in my new private class at “Info +.”
The trauma began when Yegor asked if all of us could talk after Sergei had rather unceremoniously announced that they would have to leave in two weeks.
However, Sergei refused to join the conversation. “We’ve been talking all day, there’s nothing more to talk about.”
Anton and Yegor told me they had no place to go. “You’ve been sleeping somewhere ever since you got back from Tajikistan, why can’t you continue to sleep there?”
I’ve been sleeping with people I met through the Internet and at Lena’s and Sergei’s, but Sergei lives with his parents, and he says I can’t stay there any more.
“Why don’t you go live with Denis?” I asked Anton.
“Denis and I have broken up.
“We don’t have anyplace to go on such short notice.”
To throw them out now, I realized, would be heartless and cruel.
Yegor and Anton also told me that the twins had been smoking pot in the kitchen and that Sergei was shooting up. “Haven’t you seen the needle tracks in his arm?”
No, I hadn’t. I had seen a lot of scars where he had sliced his arm in a feigned suicide attempt to keep from going into the army, but I hadn’t seen any needle tracks.
Anyway, with this news and Sergei’s strange behavior, I decided we’d better talk about this some more.
So I told Anton and Yegor they didn’t have to move out – at least now.
When Sergei found out about this he was furious. He was in a rage, and the angrier he got the faster he talked and the less I understood him. I was also dead tired and wanted just to sleep and think.
So he announced he was leaving and would never come back.
At that point, I was thinking about my old vow to only have boyfriends who were kind and compassionate. To throw them out now was not compassionate, and Sergei’s adamant insistence only proved that he was not compassionate.
Andrei’s response? “It’s all the same to me, whether they stay or leave.”
Sergei refused to sleep in the same bed and slept in chairs, the bathtub, I’m not sure where.
Update: Feb. 8 -- It was only a couple of days later that I found out why Sergei was so livid: In their conversation earlier in the day while I wasn’t there, Yegor had threatened to go to the Russian authorities and give them information about me that would assure that I couldn’t renew my visa, and the twins’ and my dream would be down the drain!
I was shocked that Yegor would make such a threaet, and immediately begged Sergei’s forgiveness. “I didn’t understand what you were saying,” I said, holding him and kissing him.
So our plans for the future are back on: I have promised to give Yegor and Anton three months’ notice that they must be out by the 1st of May. I will subsidize Yegor if ncecessary. The twins will resume their plan to go to Svetlograd/Stavropol in early February – Andrei so he can get settled in Stavropol and find a job, and Sergei so that he can get his international passport.
Andrei will stay in Stavropol, and Sergei will come back here and we will live together until we move there next year.
Andrei has asked for 00 to make the move: 0 to find an apartment and pay six months’ advance rent; 0 for Andrei’s driving test; 0 for Sergei’s passport; 0 to buy the garage in Svetlograd where the car is stored; 0 to finish fixing up the car; and 0 for Andrei to live until he gets a job and becomes self-sufficient.
Suddenly, at the same time I’m trying to figure out where all this money is going to come from, Yegor announces that he has another emergency: Because he hasn’t been attending classes at the university because of his steward’s school, his advisor or rector, or whatever, has told him that he has missed a lot of classes and tests, and his five teachers will only pass him if he bribes each of them with 0. The alternative is to be tossed out of the university and into the army.
What are my options? I’m obviously not going to let this happen. So there goes 00 instead of a mere 00!
In the meantime, Ilya at School #69 has asked me if I could make 10 more hours available to them both for teaching and for working on a textbook they are working on. So I’ve rearranged my schedule to make it possible.
That should increase my income substantially.
The Basil drama began when he asked about my trip and I told him I would tell him when we met or better yet send along “Another Night in Stavropol,” (#100), which I attached. His reply:
I have read your story at once. It's interesting, cognitive...(I think he meant “thoughtful.” Then he asked a couple of questions about things he didn’t understand, and then:
I have felt a shame again, because once again you have demonstrated "real
Russian" knowledge and experience. :-) And here, in Moscow, we are spending thousands of dollars for wedding and then living as if it was a mistake...
In our continued correspondence, the following e-mail exchanges took place:
B: Yes, to tell the truth we've had quarrels every time since the
begining... :-(
D: I've suspected it, and it grieves me to think that someone I love so much is sad and unfulfilled. It's too bad you're not gay; what a wonderful life we
could have had
B: Maybe I'm just a little bisexual :-) But is this ok when you have to
constantly part with friends and lovers? I'm not talking of your decision to
move to Stavropol. It's just my outside view. Well, never mind...
D: Well, this is a problem of most gay relationships. Most of them don’t last forever, but then neither do the straight relationships. And there we also have an advantage: Because we haven’t jumped through the legal hoops to to establish our “permanent” relationships, we don’t have to jump back through them to un-do them.
So while we do have a lot of ups and downs, if things get intolerable we can just say “see ya later” and walk off.
Of course, sometimes it isn’t that easy, as I discovered when I ended my relationship of 18 years in Seattle. Major problems!
B: And do you really want to move from Moscow and run restaurant
somewhere in Stavropol? Or I haven't got it?
To which I replied:
idea. Instead, I found a school in Stavropol,and they have offered me 0 a month to teach there! The cost of living is about half what it is in Moscow, so I could live really well without ever having to touch my pension, which I could save. Also, the twins would have jobs there and would contribute to the costs.
In short, I'm seriously thinking about it! The idea would be for me
to move down in August. Andrei would move sooner. Sergei and I would
follow.
I've already resigned from English Exchange - not because I'm unhappy
there, but I think I can make more money on my own.
I could make a lot of money if I stayed another year, but the twins
really, really want me to move down ASAP. Certainly, we would be happier.
It wouldn't be fun living apart for a year.
B: Why is it so hurry?
D: They hate Moscow.
B: Ahhh.... They don't like Moscow.. :-) But you've said in your "night"
article that to get job in Moscow is a good chance for them.
D: They thought so, but they’re quite homesick for Stavropol. Andrei is going to go down very soon; Sergei will stay with me until I go down, which may be next year instead of this because of the added money I could make in the next year.
He wrote back:
map. But if it's true, you have to very seriously tell me how there things
are, if there an internet access is, how to call there and how to get there!
Even though we seeing each other once in an advent, this fact is very upset
me.
I'm not meaning that peoples which have surrounded you are bad, but I've
seen (and you've told me not once) an examples, starts from the first your
Russian "friend" Andrey. So if things there went bad, and you decided got
back, let me know and I help you. I'll help you with anything...
D: Honey, you are so sweet and kind. The personal relations aspect is something that is very much preoccupying me. I'd be giving up everything and everyone in Moscow for a new life there based on relationships. Already I've experienced some unpleasantries from these relationships, and it is something of great concern. I'll give you details when we meet.
B: So, we definitely need to meet.
D: P.S., honey. I am just sending you the whole chapter from my memoirs
that includes the bit about "empathy." It's actually only a paragraph; I thought I had written more. But the reason it has been important is that I
vowed in my personal relations to only have relationships with people who were empathetic. I've failed miserably in that regard :-).
D: I realize the word I was looking for was “compassion” rather than “empathy.” But it’s essentially the same thing.
B: I've found that paragraph and I've agreed. But it's tooooo hard to "to
put one's self in someone else's shoes". Sometime it's impossible not because you don't have mature mind, but because mind of other person is so unlike, different from yours. I'm not assert that I know how "to put one's self in someone else's shoes". I just know there is such person (my wife)or I'm complete, secret egoist...
D: Here’s where “compassionate” is more useful than “empathetic.” If we’re too empathetic, we feel things too much. But everybody can be compassionate.
Anyway, hope you find the chapter of interest.
B: I'll read it. And agian I've found myself on that fact that I need to
read your memoirs. :-)
D: Update: My last English Exchange in-company class is today. I will continue to do some part-time daytime teaching for them, so we’re parting as friends :-)
Another update: My problem with the twins has smoothed out. There was a major misunderstanding because of the language barrier. I no longer am asking myself if they really do love me. They do, I’m convinced.
